yobech505

I  Gotta Be…Not You.

Who do I need to impress?  What, in a relationship, is the need for someone to be a character other than their “I’m not playin’, yo” self.  The lumps show up in the sifter.  The flour falls through the little holes and, high and be held, there are the clumps.  The actual person is uncloaked,  The real dude, or dudette as the investigation may point, is exposed, unable to hide the actual, for real ‘who am I.’

So play it up front, okay?  I am going to be me.  Just me.  I like me.  I like who I am.  I’m nice to people.  I don’t really like stupid, but I don’t hate the people who are just that.  I accept difference.  We are NOT the same, we will never be the same, and I don’t even want to ponder the possibilities that we some day may be.

I have something socio-investigators call ADD.  Attention Deficit Disorder.  Let me explain something to you.  It is misnamed.  It is only Attention Deficit.  AD.  There is nothing disorderly about it.  It doesn’t make me dangerous, crazy or off kilter.  It makes me forget stuff.  I makes me easily distracted and ‘poof’, I’m off on a tangent totally unrelated to whatever I was doing three minutes ago.   It makes me want to finish a task in the middle of a blizzard while the forest is on fire.

Stop taking it personally.  It is me.  It makes me creative, paying attention to everything about me, and…hold on a minute, I’ve got a text.

Three weeks later:  Where was I?  I found this on my computer.  Forgot I had started it.  (SIKE!)

I forget a birthday.  An important date.  There is NO malice there.  None.  No selfishness,   I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.   I forget to pick up the laundry, or make an appointment, I just forgot.  That’s it.  I write the note, put it in front of me, and never see it.  It has NOTHING to do with you.  It is characteristic of me.  Not an excuse, not a validation, just a fact.

To see the hurt in someone’s eyes is demolishing some times.  That’s when it becomes a real curse.  Sadness, discourse, a feeling by another party that this one doesn’t really care, is a puller of chunks from the heart. It’s a mood masher, a feeling fatality, the aggravation extraordinaire.

I am my own worst critic.  I am the punisher supreme, beating myself up much more than you ever could.  And I don’t deserve it.

Do the blind need to apologize for being blind?  Does the amputee need an excuse for not being able to scratch the bottom of her foot?  Does a child with Downs need to give an excuse for being the incredible soul that they are?  Ridiculous.

I won’t apologize for being the way I am.  If I were mean, a malcontent, malicious and mindless with intent, then you might qualify for an ‘I’m sorry’.  But I’m not.  So it isn’t on the play card.  Don’t expect it, and don’t expect me to change it.  It is the track I was handed at birth and I can’t jump the rails.

Also, don’t scramble the interpretation.  I can still grow.  I can improve as I learn new ways to cope with the rather implicative disorder that was stuffed into my RNA molecules by relatives who ignorantly left me out of the lottery for my genes.

I don’t embrace the structures of nature that make me the ‘flawed’ part individual you see.  But I don’t hate it, I won’t fight it, and, in truth, I don’t ever want to have a problem with it.  Acceptance.  It must have it’s advantages buried somewhere in my DNA.  It doesn’t go away.  I could cover it up with drugs, but that’s just what that is, covering it up.  Instead I want to don the only thing that seems to truly work, learn to deal with it.

It used to make me angry.  It doesn’t any more.  I get tinges of frustration that well up when it causes me pay a price I was not willing to and that has been the most obstinate obstacle.  But for the better part of what is going on now, I deal with it.

It is me.  If it is something you can’t deal with, tisk tisk.  But that is not my problem, and if you want to be in a relationship with me, it goes with this body and mind.  We have wrinkles in our maps.  This one is mine.

I love.  I can be intense.  I share, I care.  I forgive, overlook.  I will stand beside you, behind you and with you.  I will be there.  That’s just me.